If you could only see.........

I Don't Know What's Going On

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 15:52:38 GMT

I think it's time to post a new entry. The sentimentality that washed over me from reading previous entries persuaded me to bring live journal into a new era in my life; college! Yaa!

So I'm almost done with school. 7 more weeks and I'll be out dis bitch and back home for good. I'm doing great at Michigan. I got a 4.0 last semester and I'm planning on another one too. But school isn't what I thought it would be. I've found that Michigan has this aura of invinsibility and difficulty, but I've yet to find it. I don't have many friends here, save for Bree, Jor, and Molly, and it makes school feel like a job. I come to Ann Arbor 5 days a week and then I go home to Lindee. I don't feel any connection to this place other than I stress out about exams, sleep, eat and defaecate. I just haven't found a really worth-while connection to this place. U of M is a great resume builder, a great school- I love my teachers and I what I'm studying. I made the right call to come here, but other than that, I can't say I'm really into school.

I miss my job as a expendable laborer. There's a sense of peace I get driving the city truck around working on my own schedule, and day-dreaming and getting paid for it. I've found that I'm closer to the town that I grew up in and my friends there than at Ann Arbor. My friendships with High School friends has gotten stronger and made me more appreciative of the down-to-earth simple fun we used to have.

Ann Arbor is a big, cold place. It's easy to slip past the cracks, like me. But, I resolve to make more friends next year. It's hard because a lot of people here a just ditzy pieces of shit. ACT scores and high school GPA aside, there's lots of dumb fucks here (frat boys, sorority girls etc) and where you went to high school and how much money your parents have is an important identity here and it sickens me.

I know I'll figure out something to make this place bearable, but I sometimes wish I just could work and get this school business over, but wait, I'm not an adult (yet?)

I'm in Air Force ROTC and I was really excited about it, I was pumped about the careers and the military, now I'm on the fence about it. I took a ride-along with the State Police and I loved it and it threw a lot of preconceptions out of the window for me.

I feel a sense of freedom in the future, but there is uncertainty attached to it. One of the reasons I joined ROTC is because it offered a guaranteed a great job after college, but now I think civilian life is a better option, but it feels so uncertain, will I get a job? where will I live? But when I snap out of this comatose state, I know that these are life's basic questions and everyone has to jump through the hoops.

I think my early-life-crisis-indenity-crisis has finally hit to a degree. In high school I enjoyed successes at everything I did and there wasn't much that really challenged me. Now I'm being challenged in the sense that nothing is really guaranteed. I will try to move towards a "take each day as it comes" attitude and enjoy life. I haven't been happy for a while. I've been so focused on tomorrow, that I've yet to live today. I'll be 30 in a heart beat and still be restless.

I want to be at peace, and it will be a long process of soul-searching, but I know I can't continue this machine like mentality of study, study, be perfect. Not to say that I will slack-off and do poorly, rather I will ease my mental burden and think hard about my future.

when the calender says you're nineteen

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:34:48 GMT

Choking on the nervous exicitment and wrapping myself in warm, fuzzy memories that are portable is what I am doing now. According to the Gregorian calender, I am 19 years old. I can't tell you if there is an emotional difference between an 18-year-old who just turned 19 and a 19 year old. I have 2 days before I am officially not a resident of Royal Oak.

I don't think High School ever prepared me for what happens after it. I mean sure it has given AP classes and all-sorts of clubs to please the eyes of college admission officers, but other than that, it didn't pay dividends. I am exicited to go to school and learn with the best and brightest, but I am in the ad-hoc process of BEING a college student. I was prepared for the getting into college thing and getting clothes, shit, for school, but yet I am not prepared for the emotional breakage of BEING a college student. I know its all part of the process of MATURING, whatever that is supposed to mean. (If maturity means working, I guess I got part of that down)

I think the hardest thing is, and I knew this before but never acted on it, the people I've seen/ been friends with for the last 12 years or so are just gone. Sorta like a pyscho-santa kiddnaping them and dropping them out of a B-52. I don't think I'll lose sleep over not seeing some friends, but it's chilling to know they're all over the place.

Though I am glad the half-dozen or so of my closest friends are going to Michigan with me, or at least they are still in the RO. Plus I'll meet lots of other cool people friends. This is sooo childish/ cliche, but it helps empty my emotional trashcan.

I've think that the best way to anaylze a past phase in your life is to not be stuck in it, even though that seems implied in the PAST part. Now that I am really moving on to college, I am starting to hone my understanding of High School. I was inhibited in making such comments because I was so caught up in the day-to-day swing of emotions friends/ emo-ness.

Though I am still conflicted. I am exicted to go to school and be and adult and make such important decisions like how I have my hair cut or what clothes I wear to class.

But yet, I want my computer games, the pointless fun of rolling around on the carpet w/ Lindee, I want my mom to wash my cloths :(, I want to stay young, fit, and attractive. I don't want kids, I can't even understand my freakin' bank statements, let alone figure out how to get my money back from uncle sam ( I heard these are called Tax Returns)

yeah I know everyone goes through it, but this doesn't preclude me from bitching :)

as for school, I am taking a Arabic class, a Criminal Justice class, a History class, a English class and a b.s. course.

I stood under a tree at Adams today, and I watched two 15 year-olds flirt really awkwardly and it reminded me that I was at least beyond that stage in my life. It was the same tree that, in 6th Grade, Alex Green claimed was mating with his in our tree expirement in Mrs. Friedman's.

And I love how ROHS doesn't look like a ghetto prison any more. Just a modern-nicer-looking-prison. Such a pity the school board didn't do that in 2008. At least kids can't use the excuse that the hole in the 2nd floor ceiling sucked their homework out of their hands.

FUCK THE CLASS OF '08, except those half dozen or so kids who didn't fall into the Tom Whitiker/ Kim cook class.

so many shit-bag-losers

I feel better now. I think I accomplished the purpose of this post.

I wish I could have a magic book to tell what all my former-friends/classmates are doing with their lives now that I am too timid to ask, and that facebook won't bring me the answers.

I miss 8 person Halo multiplayer, sweaty controllers, skittles bags and sleeping bags on the floor.

oh well

it is the best time of my life

In the words of Young Jezzy: "Let's Get it: Thug Motivation 101"

Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder for recent High School graduates.

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 02:16:35 GMT

So I figure that High School was alot like war. You get all pysched out about killing ayrabs, nazis or gooks, then when the moment of truth comes, it is so unreal and so un-like what you thought it would be. Since you are a freshmen, you are conditioned to look foward to and "get pumped" for graduation/prom/etc... but yet now that those moments have come and gone I still am searching for the specialness that was supposed to come with these members. Perhaps it was that the DJ for both proms was horrible (yes perception is REALITY :) ) or that the senior class officers spent there 3 minute comencment adresses extolling THEIR social life rather than THE Class of 08's collective experiences. But perhaps I expect to much? (like this is a new problem) But I can't really say it was the best year of my life, because I wanted to leave that fucking place so badlyyy but I am out now. There's no AP tests to worry about, no finals, no MUN fundraisers just the dullness of being out of high school. What gets me is the informalness and quickness of how things change. It's like God says to you, "you are not in High School anymore" and magicly, you aren't. I've traded in my "scene" clothing in for a 40 hour work week in old, paint-spattered jeans over the time of 2 weeks. WHAT THE FUCK!?! that is what it is. So let's start a new train of thought, because I am re-writing this a few days latter and a fresh dose of sentimentalism from reading the Acorn's "Senior Will 2008" has kicked in.So I was reading Alex Green's article about happiness and how you shouldn't dwell on the past and I was thinking, I am glad school is over, but it's like I have PTSD. I don't want to ramble, but I will because the feeling I have now is like I have been on death-row for 4 years and one day, out of the blue, the prison guard tells me I can leave. No pomp, no circumstance, just that your world has been turned upside down. I guess life is swift, silent, deadly. ( I think that might be a Navy SEAL or Army Ranger moto) So I've been repressing this disalusionment by working 40 hours a week, seeing my girlfriend and pretending everything is okay, even though it is, but livejournal is about dramtic-emo-bithcing, so this increases the ratings.What I am struggling for is meaning. Why? WHY? what was it for? was it for that coveted seat at U of M? was it so I could have lots of shiny pins at graduation? Was it so I could have whole scrap books devoted to my awesomeness? In time I know I'll find the answer/ or at least an agreed upon interpetation of high school that will leave out the hairy details of becoming an adult and focus on the mundane/ unoriginal interpetation of high school anyone over 40 will give you. perhaps its still shock and awe, yes that was Bush one-liner, kinda like the feeling, if you've ever expirenced it, of having a flashbang go off and 12 angry men with MP-5's telling you to get on the ground. It suxsI am sure I am not the only one going though this?!? :( :)?nothing ever goes according to plan. I figured after writing the Acorn article that more or less exposed how ridiculus my alma mater is, there would be sweeping change and I'd have to defend my house with my airsoft guns from drunk stu-co/senior class presidents trying to egg my house. But the fact of the mater is none of that has happend. Perhaps behind the scences there have been some discussions but I have yet to see any tangible progress from an article dubbed one of the most controversial in recent history of acorn. and also for more thoughts, I still like how I am afraid/involved in petty drama. I deleted all the names of numbers of people that I don't talk to/ avoid by choice yah! congrads for still acting like a 15 year old. It's probably because I've never resolved my conflicts with them, just buried them. I bet my pulse will still increase when I seea amber +company at out ten year aniversary. Probably not.

Got my .45 on

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 00:55:22 GMT

It's like the Battle of the Bulge.

High School is almost over?!?

So I figure out a great way to summurize High School. For anyone that has played football, there is a thing you run through with all these rubber hands that stick out that try to push you off balance, (to simulate getting hit as a ball carrier). SO high school is like four years of that. You are dizzy and disoriented at the end and then they tell you to run towards your "dreams", when you have absoultely know sense of directions whatsoever.

So today I took a walk to ease my troubled mind. I walked to Adams and reminiscent about how things were simple when I was 14.

but that was then. This is now.

I am going to college soon and a new wealth of opportunity awaits me. I can feel it. But its wierd not to go to 1500 Lexington 5 days a week for six hours. Its like being a lost puppy.

But I don't hate high school. But I don't care for it. I won't be one of those people who cries/drinks/smokes their self to sleep thinking about High School. Thats life's punishment to all those jocks and cultural elitists who invest everything they had into four years of school.

I feel I am a rising star and that I have yet to peak.

I am happy, I look froward to Michigan. But I its hard to just walk away from a institution that shapped you for who you are today. Good or bad or ambivalent, we are a product of what happened in high school

BUT

I have the damn sheryl crow song in my head and then I had the Beach Boys in my head aswell

LIFE is _____________________

fill in the blank

I had so much more to say but I lost it.

oh well

366 Days +52 (1/7) Weeks of speechlessness and a half-functioning right ear

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 03:50:47 GMT

jesus

perhaps I'll start with going half-deaf from firring a 3 foot long (AR-15) assault rifle

or maybe I'll start with the 'hood-size portion of KFC chicken and biscuits and Kill Bill

that was today. That was my anniversary with Lindee for one year. ONE YEAR. That's the same amount of time you'd spend in prison for aggravated assualt (a misdemeanor)

WHAT THE FUCK

I AM SO HAPPY

I LOVE LINDEE

ok, my emotions are settled now. (at least)

for one year, I have been with the most shocking person ever. It's like a snake that sheds its old skin and grows new skin. I've grown a new skin a new life and a new attitude. There's a certain feeling of comfort when you know you're in a good spot. A feeling from your gut to your spine

I see so much promise in my life now that I've found someone to open me up. I remember being cold, distant and dead. A bad part of my life --a time of wandering until I took a flight to Washington D.C.

Then I get asked, "how'd you do it?" How did you manage to spend more than a year with the same person, on your first relationship? I don't have an answer to that. I think when fate/God/the greengoblin (depending on your belief in the "supernatural") hits you over the head with a once in the life time opportunity you best take advantage of it, because the possibilities are great.

so makes her so great, Chris?

well. She likes guns.

wait no.

well it's sorta true- but it's a symptom not a cause

Down to earth. I see so many people with their heads in the fucking sky all the time (perhaps chemically induced?-i.e.-crack, meth, beer?) I think what she has taken from life is to be happy for what she has and not what she wished she had. I think i've learned to despise people that are so full of themselves that they think they are the best thing since the release of Guns N' Rose's debut album Appetite for Destruction in 1987.

With her, theres a confidence; a subtle "I don't blow my horn" and if there's a problem "it's on"

mutual feelings really.

money doesn't buy love. Another thing I like is that she's "low-maintenance" although thats a pejorative with a bad connotation attached to it. When ever you have some one who shares the same interests as you, or if they don't they at least try. And aren't money grubbing whores who place their values in dollars and cents

never dull. Whether it's going to the shooting range, going to cheapo-video store, cruising Detroit aimlessly at night or puting arm/wrist locks on one another it's always something interesting

love isn't like those retarded Hollywood movies.

It's way better.

3.15.-07- 3.15.08 <3

Dust in the Wind

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 03:04:52 GMT

umm. Usually I have an awesome way to start off an entry but I guess my lyrical talent has dried up (for the moment)

things are truly amazing. I can't complain because I see so much potential ahead in my life. I feel almost smug and a little cocky right now. Cocky in the sense that I got the last laugh. The feeling of being right in the face of oppression is a amazing feeling. It's almost a natural cockyness that comes from beating the system (kinda like those rappers who come out da 'hood and make lots of money and have bitches and Cad'lacs)

As I watch high school sunset in the rear view mirror I see how I beat the game. I thought I was fundamentally flawed when I was a freshmen and sophomore and Junior. I struggled to find my place in a game that didn't play by the rules I played by. Now I can smile in a jaded way and say "fuck you" with a grin.

You know I used to believe (albeit falsely) in Amber's mantra of Karma (or what the awesome 80's hair metal band Ratt calls Round and Round) I used to believe in that fucking east Indian bull shit of what comes around goes around. I guess I kinda do now?!? I see how she tormented me and life kinda corrected the situation. God sent me Lindee and she saved me. But back to my awesome I-am-cooler-than-you description of High school. I am proud that I beat back a system that glorifies emotion over reason, lies over honesty, prep-oriented style over individuality.

I can't wait for college but I'll miss high school. Perhaps thats where I have problems. I have so much ahead of me (U of M+Lindee!) but yet I have my ass stuck halfway in the bloated halls of ROHS. I think It's my desire to hold on to something that isn't there. Kinda like muscle memory. You want to go back to a place and time that was special but yet it wasn't special. I have no idea why I am preoccupied with my first 2.5 years of high school when they were a horrible time of self hate, depression and idendity crisis. I think its the friends. Wait what? Yes the friends. The billy reefs, the Alex Greens of the world. They are there but they're not. Basicly Besides Jordan, Bree, Kyle,Nicole and Steyskal I don't have friends at ROHS which isn't like horrible but it makes the day easier knowing you have someone to get you through the day.

See, I alternate between psychological/philosophically views each day (just like my political opinions, although I constantly slightly left of center) So the flavor right now is the dust in the wind idea. The idea that we, seniors, are all together now only to be dispersed over a large area where we won't know/care about one another. Th
ts a problem for me. I can't get close to someone I know will be gone soon enough.

comments? Interesting to hear some feedback guys

thanks

2007: Alive Again

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 02:13:19 GMT

Get money.

okay, so it is almost 2008 (which means graduation is for real) and it has been a interesting year . I would say it was the best of my life so far. I really learned alot and saw a lot. I learned what it is to love and to be loved. I learned what it is to flush your past and your old friends down the toilet with the sincerity of a crack dealer who just shot you over your shoes. I was not depressed and I learned to live a little and to enjoy the liberties of life. Now as I glance into the future I see college and leaving high school behind. I am ready to go and peace out of that shit hole (ROHS). I am tired of living in a cage for 10 hours a day with retarded people who lower my intelligence and make me act like a 5 year old.

On the other hand High School was like maturity boot camp; it was hard but it prepared me to deal with life head on. I don't know how to say it all without being too sentimental. I look back at all the people I was close to that I have left behind and it saddens me. I think i am too lazy to reach out to them again or just too scared to strike up a conversation. It is a weird time of transition. I am getting one foot out of the grave and getting stuck in my own self pity. This kind of stuff just happens when you don't make a clean break with people in your past. I try to keep things on a good level in public but talk is cheap. I miss alex green alot. I see him every day in school and we have our pleasantries but it scares me that someone I was close to for 6 years can just disappear. They say the people you are close to your senior year are the ones you'll stay friends with for a while. And with that in mind I think I will have some great friends ( nicole, jordan, bree)

And I can't talk about '07 without talking about Lindee. She saved me. I would have been in bad shape had not God placed her there. I am believer in everything happens for a reason and I think she was a reason. The kind of girl that can make ghetto shopping and stealing taco bell cups for free drinks seem fun. The kind of the girl that loves you for what you are and not your wallet. The kind of girl that is laid back, quintessential blue collar and down to earth. But at the same time the kind of the girl who is adventurous and comes along on my random late night pilgrimages to Detroit for the point of getting a reality check. The kind of girl that can make 10 months seem like a week. I didn't know what I wanted before I met her. I use to ramble about finding that "someone" and she walked into my life. 3.15.07

So I stand on the verge of excellence with the horizon bright and shining and yet I do feel the tug of the past but I soldier on.

and all you out there have a happy new year and may peace and love prevail in 2008. Also don't let Hillary Clinton be president. She's a socialist bastard.

BALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL'N

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 04:51:26 GMT

i am in at U of M.

suprised

reflective of everything in the last 3 years and all those who helped me along the way

The Pursuit

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 00:35:24 GMT

yo

I am diggin hard to find something to complain about but I can't. I am gonna be 18 in a week, I have a hole in my knee and I am going to be a senior.

O88888888888888!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!0888888888888888888888888888!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so yeah like I haven't seen anyone from school and I have 2 weeks left of summer. I kinda feel bad b.c you know how b4 school ends you promise to do all these things with your spare time and in the end you never do anything with these people?? thats what happend to me. I feel bad seeing as I didn't hang out with anyone execpt for my homies bree, keys and Kyle and of course, Lindee. So yeah.

so maybe its my added wisdom of my old age, or maybe its the pure sentimental fact that I won't see anyone really after this school year is done that I feel ashamed. I've seen how life and high school just flew by and all the retarted fueds that seperated and divided me from people who I was close with has been really stupid. I think I should say hi everyday to the people who i've shunned in my life because of my immaturity, I guess i am ditching the old adage of only if people are nice to me then I'll be nice to them. time is short, and soon enought we will be gone like ashes cast to the wind to go our own seperate ways. I know what I just said falls into some hollywood pre-made philosphocial bullshi, but I believe it. I look back at my four years in wonder, how did i ever make it from that little scrawny piece of shit freshman heart on my shoulder kid to what I am now?

High school is the public education equivelant of bootcamp. You enter as naive gualable freshman and leave as battle harden seniors. But for all this sentimental hard-core speak there is I can see a little beauty in life. I guess now that I've had knee surgery you tend to apprecaite the small things in life while all the while you blew past them to some unknown destination.

pretty soon it will be back to the gutter and my digestive system will be full of the shit that is High School, but this year I'll try not to throw it up and refuse it. Its my last year in the system (public education) so why not love???

and we'll pretend its okay

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 04:43:40 GMT

ya! Livejournal emo-bitching time!

So i am back in der Vereingten Staaten (The United States). I was in Germany,Austria and Lictenstein for 2 weeks. It wasn't a trip that was deffintely good or deffintley bad. It was one of those things that was a bittersweet mix of alot of things. So its time for the end of the year assesement and bitching emo/i hate life/rant. so Junior year was a flash in comparison to fresh-sophmore years. I learned alot this year. I've learned the power of "I love you" and The utter bullshit of "friends for ever". You can't call this emo b.s., cuz I already warned you people.

So...... I am really happy person, but at the same time really sad. I am constantly amazed by Lindee and everything she is. But when I look at what I have besides her, there is not much there. (except for Bree!), most of my "friends" are either habitual drunks/crack(pot)heads or they have magically become too cool to be with me. It amazes me every time that I look back all the burned bridges in my life. Whether it was my doing, their doing or a combination of both, I see how the promises we made to be there for one another were as empty as the foundations they were built on. I used to be a believer in get rid of the people in your life that don't benefit you or who aren't worthwile. So what do you do when no one is around you because of that? I know someone will give me the comment of "ooh chris I am always here for you", but ask yourself, are you? (this doesn't apply to those who know it doesn't apply to them i.e.-Lindee) I am not calling anyone a liar.

I've found it funny how the people I used to be tight with, we are all now locked into some crazy beauty queen/popularity contenst in the quest for getting into that "great" school. I chuckle now at how I rode some of my life in school in the last few weeks based on how many steps I was ahead of everyone else in the college admission process and how many actual and percieved steps everyone was ahead of me. It's sad. But to qoute a famous philospher(s) (Blink 182), "I'll smile, you'll wave and we'll pretend it's okay" I'll see those people again in less than 2 months in school and we'll act all buddy-buddy. We'll sit and talk about randomness and saving trees all under the facade that we are two good ole friends trying to rekindle a past friendship.And the tragedy of it all is that those people in my life who I wish would hear this message we'll never hear it. I don't do the name names thing here, but thats the tradgedy of it all. I'll spill my guts for my extremely few close friends and those who are just curious, but the real point of this will go and die in the ever growing backlong of "chris's Emo Rant" posts.

As I write (or type), a sense of rationality takes over. Maybe I was just being too overboard, too cynical. Maybe. I'am prone to doing such things. But honestly, what do I care now? I hope senior year will be good, a time to fix brokend relationships. But its a 2 way street. Sometimes I forget that in my headstrong "I can fix any relationship" mindset. I don't want to leave high school with an enternal akwardness to the people who went through so much shit with me, but decided to peace out half way through the race. I guess the door is "open" but I don't know what to say. I am willing to act on a little intiative from others, but to be honest it might be true that all my "friends" that I am trying to reconnect with are just too immature to see the writing on the wall. And with that in mind, I can't do anything.

whateever my niggaz

smile and salute

Sun, 13 May 2007 03:07:03 GMT

so

yeah

to continue on my end of junior year rant about life sucking. This probably won't make sense, but its me, here.

so, i've been realizing how alot of things have been pathetic lies. People and organizations I've put so much faith and effort into have miserably failed me. I guess i've learned that words "always here for you" mean absolutly nothing more than i need to say that because i want something from you, and lies beer and cigerattes take the place of late night online chats about life, and listening to random music. Perhaps its the change in all of us, push life to the edge before we've lived it.

I am good liar now. I've learned how to balance lies and to smell thier bullshit. I can lie to stay on good terms with one group and then lie to be on good terms with others. Amazing isn't it? It's like secret agent man times 10.

Never thought good 'ole christopher photiades could be a pathological liar. But thats how you play the game.

To qoute my lovely girlfriend Lindee, it's drama versus drugs.

I find often, those who swore to protect your back melt like cotton candy.

On the other hand, those i'd never would guess step in and take a bullet for me.

pretty fucked up eh?

What I struggle with, is how do i define myself now. I have parents breathing down my neck about college, officers in my clubs dreaming grand schemes, but never having the guts or will to make it happen, watching "friends" people i've taken bullets for, people who have taken bullets for me, swirl in the toilet of a high school expirence of extreme highs and extreme lows

what is it all for

a quiet rage burns

but when it all comes down to it

smile and salute

pretend nothing ever existed.

with the words on the tip of my tounge

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 02:03:56 GMT

so I haven't updated in a while. While school work piles on high and fast in its last ditch effort to teach us something before we check out. For my personal life, things are going great, I love Lindee and everything about her. Today although in some sense was a reality check. Today I watched closely as some of my closest friends slide downward in thier own demise, popularly known as "a good time". I am just waiting for the day when I have to go to someone's funeral who died senselessly. Racing motor cycles at 150 mph and smoking, seem so innocent and "rebellious things that all the kids life has shit on do" I know i am a straight edge but I just wonder. We live at light speed now, there is no such thing as planning for the future. Today i felt closely the poison that is trying to suck me into this vortex of self serving destructive culture enter my blood. Visable repulsed, I vow never to let myself go like that. With this in mind, I am worried in a sense about this people, but sometimes the thought inside my head of "they're beyond salvation" comes up frequently. But i couldn't live with that and a flat black body bag. But then i say "who am I to judge?", I have no idea, I live each day playing both sides of the game, playing along with these people, while all the while secretly having my own opinions. Hopefully this isn't too bad of a problem, but its how i deal with it.

I can't wait for college, when I can be free with people who care

and life isn't measure in a shot glass or through the the tunnel vision of a drag race.

all false mysnomers of love and caring

call me out if you disagree seeing I am just a little rich white boy from suburbia with a stable family (such a crime)

-chris

shoot first; ask questions later

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 02:17:43 GMT

so it's been awhile

Well if you didn't know already I have a girlfriend Lindee
and things are going better alot better

but even though I have a Girlfriend I've found myself moving away from people I've been close with for a long time. Its wierd and yet saddening at the same time, perhaps Its that I don't need them any more, as In i needed some emotional fix from them, and now that I have Lindee I don't have this overreaching need for emotional support that perhaps I got from other people. Its saddening, me and Alex green who've I've been tight with since 6th Grade, I don't really know him right now. We never hang out and only have small talk conversations, so it hits me hard to know that one my strongest friends is fading away. Maybe he notices it, but I sure do.

I can see things in a differnt light, I've seen the blatant immaturity and utter naivity of so many people, and It's interesting to see how my once tight knit "group" of friends has disetergrated into factions of hard partyers and people who still think holding hands is a little too much for a relationship. So i find myself in the middle of this situation, some days I lean towards the rowdy partiers, and sometimes I hang w/ mr.+mrs. innocent. Sometimes I just can't wait till I leave this fucking place, it's wierd how I balance out extremes. I am not close to anyone really except for Lindee, but its like all my friends have turned into losse aquitants to the point that we don't talk or acknowledge one anothers presence unless its absolutly required, so that one doesn't give off the impression of "fuck you". I miss the days when we all as friends were one, as a freshman i never thought I'd find myself two years latter lementing about how the group disingrated into drunks smokers and into queens of innoncence and naivity. I don't know If i am the only one that looks out to see the future and live beyond ROHS, cuz sometimes I get the feeling that all we live for is the carelessness of our youth. Something bad will happen, that perhaps will force us back to reality, but until then I feel like I'm living on the set of desperate housewives its really a beauty to see how high school minted us into what we will become. There's the narcistic drunk who cares only about partying and getting laid. and then theres the oblvious white satin person watching the world spin by so fast it makes them sick.

so the question is where do we go from here. I see myself at the cross roads. I'd also been mr. goody two shoes and always doing the right thing, but now I don't care sometimes about things little petty things, but yet i feel like I haven't lost my grip on reality like some have. I find it intersting how we as a generation repress our pain our feelings with chemicals under the ridiculus assertion that we will feel better, and it makes me fucking sick. How the need to say fuck to everything has become the calling card of some of my friends but who am I to judge? as a matter of principle I will never type anyones name in these entries, but still I see how we are destroying ourselves. I think its a accomplisment to have made it through high school knowing the world isn't fair and we aren't in 6th grade anymore, but doing all that with out the aide of drugs and alcohol. I have respect for all out there who could answer yes to that statment.

thank God for lindee

I LOVE YOU

keep me real

take the breath right out of me

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 03:53:17 GMT

speechless

I can't believe it

fuck history

all you drama whores

might as well shoot yourself

fuck people pleasing

i am somewhere i belong

a day of many firsts ( :))!)

a new day hath dawn

i just wanna be with you

I am done

for the years i suffered

sometimes the best things are those you least expect

some of my feelings right now, i am just taken away, for once I was happy. Nothing was contrived, nothing was faked, it was real. I've found somewhere and someone where it clicks. i love JSA. my hookup right there. garrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i hate distance and long weeks.. I'll see you friday can't wait..

UVM+Team America= sweetness

other side of the 8

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 03:34:34 GMT

o I just got back from dinner in Detroit and I am just fascinated. As a white person and a lucky enough and blessed enough to live in a place like Royal Oak, I really am sheltered from "street reality" and alot of people like me don't have any idea of what its like to be with out. I am for some reason have a sort of attraction to detroit and I don't mean the touristy areas, I am talking about the neighborhoods, the run down buildings, the graffitti, the homeless people sleeping under the over passes on I-75, the weeds the sense of hopelessness. All these things are absent from my life, and you might ask why the hell would you want to go to a place like detroit? and i think to myself, how a expirence like that is really a reality check. For going down there it opens up mind my to what real poverty is like. I always get a kick out of people who are rich liberals and who want to tax all the rich folks to hell and gone to help the poor, when they have never been in those peoples shoes and had to expirence what life is like in the inner city. Obviously I am one to talk, seeing as I've spent my whole life in realitive safety and comfort in Royal Oak, but it is a sobering event. Another note I value some of these peoples ability to survive, its another world south of 8 mile, while my friends debate over what mall to go shop at, a few miles from here people a dealing with people getting shot and rob and I think to myself how trivial it is to worry about clothing and shoes, when not far from here people are dying, living in slums and are hopeless. And because of that, I know when I wake up tommorow and this feeling I have wears off, I will too become apathetic and careless about people suffering so close to me. I mean come on guys isn't it cooler (and safer) to go shop at American Eagle at somerset mall than to walk the streets of Detroit and attempt to vissualize a life w.o. hope? May be thats why no one cares about the poor, we just forget them and hop into our SUV's and go some place where the material things dull our senses of reality.

another note........... life seems to be picking up steam sorta and sorta not. Even though its valintines day I actually will save all you potential readers my emo induced rant about the manufactured holiday......... but my addiction recovery is going well, I am on speaking terms with her now, so I think soon I am gonna go talk to her privately and let her know whats up.

I also find myself sorta in a cross fire of friends. I find people I am friends with don't like each other, and its interesting cuz I walk a fine line, I enjoy both sets of people, although I can see thier respective arguments about the other group. I just wish people would put aside differnces, i can see why we have wars......

breathe

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 01:41:39 GMT

So......

this is my first post in a while, the whole fervor of exams and all associated pressures has worn off, and life is settling into the familiar pattern of organized chaos. My MUN high has worn off, so its back to things. But theres a twist. Lately the way I've survived is to block her out, to the point that its just numbness. When I started this journey a few months ago, my goal was simple. To be free of her but yet still be friends w/ her minus all the heartache associated with having a mad obscession, I don't want to make it offical and say that I am "cured", because its not like that, you're never "cured" its more like being able to "cope" with the situation, but none the less I have done alot to distance myself from her, and I don't know if what I am feeling is just pure numbness that I created from running from her, or if it is true progress in healing my wounds. I want to say its progress, but from time to time it begs question whats really going on here. Anyhow, lately I've tried to re-open ties with her, in the tried and true medium of SEA work, because its not that I want to go back to her, no. I've spent too much time and hell for that. But what I do want to be friends again, but it feels like the distance has created a sense of shortness and coldness between us, perhaps its just a symptom of it all, but my fear is that is permanent. I feel like i am the point where I can begin normalizing things, but then again normal is one hell of a subjective word. So......... I am at a cross roads, I am accomplishing my goal of getting over her, indeed. I am good at burning bridges in a sense of numbing myself to thinks, but Its so hard warm things back up again. I guess I knew this would happen, its as if this is a controlled expirement in that all these things that are occuring have been planned and allocated for.

I hope things work out, I can't complain about my progress but it ask the question "at what cost?"

why I love MUN (Fuck yeah)

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 22:17:56 GMT

so i just got back from UMMUN, and I had the time of my life again. I see a pattern devoloping here. Some of my best expirences this year have been through this club. It has in a sense helped me through alot of things this year. It gives me an escape from the pressures of school and all ascoiated problems (cough cough), but it has also allowed me to meet so many people that I wish I could have met earlier. the people are amazing, they are people can act myself around and not have to deal with petty bull shit. The whole bonding of every is something i love. While I don't agree with views of everyone in the club, I just like being around people who will actually listen to your opinions even if they themesleves don't share the same opinion. This expirence has allowed me to better myself and gave myself a glipse of what I can be. This whole entire week, anything that would have hindered me in the past I forgot and put my foot on the gas and plowed through things I would have never immagined I could do (sanctions+america? now you know what I mean). I just felt like i was finally in a place where I belonged, and people were open to me and I could be open to them. I know i am geek and nerd, but sometimes the thrill of MUN confrences is just a high you can't get down from. I wanted to write this entry while i was still "high" because tommorow holds the same bullshit and immaturity that I have to face every other day of my life.

ROMUN People..

I LOVE YOU GUYS

take your own road

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 03:20:56 GMT

pondering the xmas story+talking to old friends+sitting on my ass at 9:41pm+wondering where to go= intretresting live journal topic.

so i've had my wisdom teeth removed and I've been on vicadin for pain relef, and I can honestly say I won't drink or do drugs cuz my expirence with vicadin is bad, its like the hung over feeling minus the actual drinking. I couldn't park my car while i was on it either soooo.........

so its xmas vacation so I am listening to my song that defines my struggles thus far (nobody's fool-cinderalla)

I am sitting here on xmas eve and thinking about past xmas eves and remembering down to the day what I was doing on this date 2 or 3 years ago, I don't know where I am going with this, but I can't keep myself from reflecting on things that have transpired. I feel like there has been a violent end to alot of things in my life, but yet I act humorusly and pretend nothing has happend in my relationships with people. I feel like I am crawling out of a shell and trying to survive in a new world and new enviroment, while I haven't shed my past yet, I don't know how to define progress. Perhaps i've made progress in the sense that i've met new people and I am trying to get to know them, but I don't know where to set my expectations of them yet. I don't want to go head first and make the same mistakes i made in the past, but i don't want to sit on the sidelines and watch my life past by me. Sometimes I wish someone could just see everything about me and understand it. Maybe I am letting the past intrude into the present too much, maybe I am? History will be the judge of that. I've put my past relationships on a back burner as I try and push foward and make progress, but the thing that worries me is will I be able to pick up those relationships with people I used to be so close to and carry on as normal? time and distance does alot of good sometimes, but it can also destroy things. I don't know if I can just pick up where I left off.

I am just a man who knows how it feels............

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 02:44:36 GMT

phhhhhhhh

whats new?

uh

I haven't updated in a while (week)so I figured i'd let the cyber world know what has been going on in my life. As i stated in last weeks entry I talked about my transistion to the future. This space I have now is so new, so fresh. While I can't say things have changed all the way, I can look at things and laugh at how I let pathetic things dictate my life. I can look at her and feel a cold distant gap between us, such a complete 180 from two years ago when I was crazy in love. I've spent my time reflecting lately, sorta like a year end metal health check. I look at myself and see the changes that have taken place in two years. I remember the good times when everyone used to be friends and all one big happy campers, and how love was something only in hollywood not something to enter my life. I reflect on the pit falls that drove me to a point of self hatred and hopelessness. I can look around now and see how people have come and gone in my life, whether it has been through distance or through personal issues I see them gone now. I also see those that I have out of my mind for my own self satinity and wonder at the phrase "everything will be just fine after......) maybe things will all be great in the end. Lately I have been awash in self confidence, and I have been forced to try and look at people and wonder if they are just friendly or if I am being led on. Perhaps I shouldn't read so deep into things, but i can't help but wonder.

maybe there is a pot of gold
at the end of the rainbow

ha

good night people

-chris

until the day I die

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 02:20:47 GMT

so.......

I haven't posted in a month.
Things have been okay I can say. I have put some distance between myself and my problems, so I think that has helped me alot. I remove myself from any situation that brings up former passions in me. While I come off as "cold" "distant" "stoic", I am doing this for my mental Health. Since i've been gone, I've seen alot of interesting thins and people. I was at a Model UN conference last week, and I met some of the coolest people I have yet to date there. The kids from dondero are an interesting lot. To me they seem so open and friendly with one another, where as my kimball compatriots were are more clicky and shall I say less open to people who weren't in our "group" per say. Seeing as this is a publication that anyone can see, I'll keep my personal comments about people to zero. Case in point, I met great people and perhaps I can get to know them better, and finally dig myself out of my hole.
-since its friday and i am sitting alone at home, I get to wonder how everyone else is out having fun and all that do da, but for some reason I feel good about myself that I have been able to stay above the influnce of negative forces in life. While i feel crappy cuz i am alone, and i get jealous of people who go to parties and all, I can't help but see what they're doing to themeselves. I am not trying to be the moral authority here, but i look around and see how people my age are just poisoning themselves and albeit its all a personal choice and i am not here to debate that, but i just see how they think they are cool becasue they are the "shit" in high school, and I can't help but see what life will do to them when it strips away the free ride aforded to them by white suburbia. I am not the kind of person to confront people and do all that, I like to see how life gives people their own reality check.

- my mom is trying to get Frau fired

garrrrr

peace
niggaz

chris

when everything is meant to be broken

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 01:20:11 GMT

so it has been a really wierd/rough/intresting/shitty/ week. I got some help with the problems i am dealing with from my counsoler. I thought about things really hard, and i came to the conclusion that i shouldn't let things like amber break my heart and get me down. real touchy feely stuff about how the sun will shine again and how i'll find that one person i've been searching for 2 years now. I started to put back some of the friendships i had put on the burning block, but while its good to know i put it back its disheartening to know that so many people are immature in high school, and i am not looking for the whole paid laid and made type of fun and games relationship. perhaps i am ahead of my time in what i am looking for and its so hard to know that the kind of relationship i am looking for doesn't reall excist in school. So i find it hard becsaue i try an ger over amber, buts its like everywhere i turn theres a road block somehting in my way. heres the conversation me and amber had.

uglykidjoe8889 (6:55:19 PM): yeah
uglykidjoe8889 (6:59:41 PM): well i am glad you had fun w. eric and tyler and everyone
Pure Essence181 (7:00:09 PM): okay
Pure Essence181 (7:00:13 PM): i see that bothers you
uglykidjoe8889 (7:00:16 PM): yep
uglykidjoe8889 (7:00:18 PM): you got it
Pure Essence181 (7:00:22 PM): tell me whats wrong
uglykidjoe8889 (7:00:31 PM): no fault of your own
uglykidjoe8889 (7:00:45 PM): but it is putting my new outlook through the meat grinder
Pure Essence181 (7:01:06 PM): do you want to explain
uglykidjoe8889 (7:01:22 PM): i don't know what to say
uglykidjoe8889 (7:01:32 PM): my whole mentality goes to hell
uglykidjoe8889 (7:01:40 PM): when i get that physical reaction
uglykidjoe8889 (7:02:03 PM): but i know i have to get used to it
Pure Essence181 (7:02:36 PM): yea
Pure Essence181 (7:02:51 PM): i know im sorry that i dont help anything
uglykidjoe8889 (7:03:40 PM): well i mean your aren't just going to stop flriting with guys when i am around its just isn't goint to happen
uglykidjoe8889 (7:03:50 PM): i'd be doing the exact same thing if things were differnt
uglykidjoe8889 (7:12:25 PM): so its a bad situation, i know there aren't many people that are where i am at in high school, and w. you it justs acerbates the situation so its like, i can think about how things will be good which they will in time, but in the mean time i am just beat down and broken, cuz i see whats happening with you and eric and that feeling comes right back over me and i feel like i am back to sqaure one
Pure Essence181 (7:14:10 PM): okay
Pure Essence181 (7:14:15 PM): one thing
Pure Essence181 (7:14:36 PM): whats up with reffering to eric?
uglykidjoe8889 (7:15:44 PM): i know you say you don't have time for a relationship and you i don't know it "seemed" to me that like you guys were flriting alot and you know how i rationalize things and so it just brings back the feelings i want gone
uglykidjoe8889 (7:15:55 PM): its like trying to quit drinking
uglykidjoe8889 (7:15:59 PM): in a bar full of drunks
Pure Essence181 (7:16:33 PM): yeas understandable
Pure Essence181 (7:16:49 PM): at the same time i need to explain the situation
Pure Essence181 (7:16:50 PM): okay?
uglykidjoe8889 (7:16:55 PM): go for it
Pure Essence181 (7:17:02 PM): yes i do like eric
Pure Essence181 (7:17:48 PM): and i know i dont have time and i know that things mostlikly wont work i cant stop myslef from like someone and having fun in the mean time
uglykidjoe8889 (7:18:05 PM): yep i know
uglykidjoe8889 (7:18:50 PM): i don't know what to do
uglykidjoe8889 (7:19:16 PM): and i don't want to blame you, becasue i know personally if i wasn't in this position i'd want the exact same thing
uglykidjoe8889 (7:19:31 PM): but its the perfect storm of things
uglykidjoe8889 (7:19:58 PM): i am trying to get over addiction with a cure that isn't there
Pure Essence181 (7:20:39 PM): yea i know
Pure Essence181 (7:20:55 PM): and thats why im at the point where i dont know how to help either
uglykidjoe8889 (7:21:34 PM): i don't know
uglykidjoe8889 (7:21:43 PM): i can't ask you to stop what you want
uglykidjoe8889 (7:22:04 PM): whatever its just retarted
uglykidjoe8889 (7:22:19 PM): sometimes i just think i should just say fuck it i shouldn't deal with it
Pure Essence181 (7:22:41 PM): what does that mean?
Pure Essence181 (7:22:48 PM): how wouldnt you deal with it?
uglykidjoe8889 (7:23:12 PM): its just stupid amber
uglykidjoe8889 (7:23:18 PM): becasue everywhere i turn
uglykidjoe8889 (7:23:21 PM): theres a robot
uglykidjoe8889 (7:23:25 PM): roadblock*
uglykidjoe8889 (7:23:36 PM): i try and get over you
uglykidjoe8889 (7:23:38 PM): but no
uglykidjoe8889 (7:23:39 PM): i can't
uglykidjoe8889 (7:23:57 PM): i have those same godamn feelings when i see you doing something you want to do and i can't blame you for it
uglykidjoe8889 (7:24:05 PM): i try to broaden my horizens
uglykidjoe8889 (7:24:07 PM): what do i see
uglykidjoe8889 (7:24:15 PM): a mass of people i am incompatible with
uglykidjoe8889 (7:24:28 PM): look around me
uglykidjoe8889 (7:24:33 PM): everyone is is making it happen
uglykidjoe8889 (7:24:37 PM): you and eric
uglykidjoe8889 (7:24:41 PM): alex and ashleyu
uglykidjoe8889 (7:24:46 PM): larua and her boytoy
uglykidjoe8889 (7:25:05 PM): so sometimes i see now logic in fucking trying
uglykidjoe8889 (7:25:31 PM): and i know its all pure rage
uglykidjoe8889 (7:25:38 PM): and you can't do anything about it
uglykidjoe8889 (7:25:56 PM): so i just stop and it all builds up in me again
uglykidjoe8889 (7:26:02 PM): gotta love life
Pure Essence181 (7:26:16 PM): thats why we need to find a way to release it
Pure Essence181 signed off at 7:26:42 PM.
uglykidjoe8889 (7:30:39 PM): ?

so everything is fucked up. garrrrrrrrrrr

i know something has to change, but everything stays the same when i want it to change but it doesn't. garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i need to be happy

with one finger I said fuck that

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 02:08:43 GMT

so lately i've seen things in a new light persay. It is intresting what happens to relationships when you are the "dominate" person and you withdraw yourself. Intresting how when i remove myself from relationships everything goes to fuck and the other person just doesn't do anything. I've done this to multiple friends of mine, and its not that i don't want to be thier friends as it is seeing what i mean to them. you can follow my line of thinking if you have a relationship where the one doing everything and the other person sits on the sidelines, and suddenly you stop doing everything and starting things, the other person doesn't do anything, they don't pick up the slack and do the things i used to do. Perhaps it is out of sheer shock or the fact that i am worthless to them, i have differing opinions on it. I don't want to just say fuck it to these people i've known for a while, but since i've done this little expirment persay i've really learned alot about people. I've felt unusually calm for reason because i find my self not caring anymore, like with the girls i can careless if i talk to them or flirt with them, that used to my life and now i found myself getting bye w.o. them. its scary, i don't know if i am reverting back to the "stone ages" of when i didn't get involved with women or what. the big thing on my mind is trying to let these friends of mine who are girls is that i want to be friends with them, but at the same time things can't be the same. i have a feeling i can't have both. I don't know what to say, i don't want to launch into so rant about how these people use me, i don't think its that as much that as it is just stopping the normal routine and seeing what things are like. Its all a little test persay to test friendship just to see who cares and who doesn't. Maybe i am too good at hiding all this and people just take it as me being mad, its not that, its deeper than that. but so far no one has approched me about it, so its just a game of attrition seeing how long it takes them to catch on. And i have made it a effort to act normal around other people but to drasticly cut back my interaction with these select people to see thier reaction. perhaps they might read this and understand, probably not, but its worht a try.

peace

what the hell is worng with me

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 01:28:21 GMT

Today has been one of those bi polar days that have become more and more frequent. Part me of is extremely happy excited/ i drew up plans to a rocket launcher that shoots airsoft bb's. i enjoy this childish desire to blow things up. i sat in my drive way burning fire resitance paper to prove that it was fire reistant. another part of me just hates every fucking women in my life excpet for my mom. It is so absoultly pointless to try and pursue a relationship that is more than telling them the answers to the physics lab. I don't really get it. Perhaps its tha femine mystique but to me its a complete disregard for anyone. I am tired of trying to appease them and act like something i am not. i guess i haven't had anything meaningful happen to me in a while. Everything in my life seems artifical, almost fabricated like i live out a new lie every day. I have to fake my attitude and actions around others, i have to intentionally make myself depressed to bring down my excitment. which leads to wonder what is wrong with me? sometimes i wish amber knew how much she has fucked me up. part of it is myself, but for some reason she and all these other girls have such a negative effect on me, i have no fucking idea, its interfering with my life. whatever fuck the world. fuck it fuck it and fuck it. I find more and more people are just rude, retarted inconsiderate bastards. Its like i have to die for people to realize things. sometimes i just wonder i just wonder. i love how livejournal that no one reads is my emotional pain outlet, nice ditto there. I feel invisible almost, they don't talk to me, or when i am alone in their precence she nonchantly walks away, kinda funny from people who call you their best friend eh? Sometimes i wish i had the balls to tell her to go fucking die i do. its all pent up rage, and i feel like our "friendship" is nothing more than occasionaly talking on the internet about something important that gives me the false sensation that we are truly friends when on every other day of the week i am just occupy space in front of her. its little things like that show me what i am to people what i "mean" to them. whatever, i wish sometime that my mircle would come but it doesn't so its back to the normal 9-5 grind of trying to be funny and doin the "blood"s gang sign and acting like a 5 year old. how it is man how it is.

you'll be sorry when I am gone

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 00:41:12 GMT

so it hit me today. Lately I've been playing mind games perhaps and seeing how people react to it. I have learned alot about the people I though were my friends. Subtle hints they give off that give me an idea of what i am to them, home work bitch? taxi driver? grief counslor? I don't know but these people have caused me alot of anger. Its hard to explain i guess this rant here is what it is a rant. One the one hand i want to avoid people who just use me, i feel like something is missing, perhaps it was the notion that i was friends with these people perhaps. I feel good that i am telling these people to go fuck off subliminally, but yet at the same time a part of me is missing. I spend more time alone now, i got online and wait for a conversation that never happens. And as i was driving home today on the radio they played "adams song" by blink 182, and i know it is about sucide, but for some reason i got lost in the song. the words seem to describe my feelings my attitude about things minus the taking my own life part. I just wish that i could have a miracle a ephinany. I want to break this cycle of what i have become but everywhere i look there are painful reminders of the past. Its wierd, i avoid people but inside i am crying out for some to talk to me and say whats going on chris? pehaps i am too good at acting and people don't pick up that i am upset about something. I don't know anymore its just too fucked up. I hate how my emotions dicate every thing in my life. i just wished to wind back times clock and what i'd give to back in middle school or elmentary school, when i didn't have emotions. Whatever. more and more i see what my vaule is to other people. people who are my friends don't talk to me, and i am tired of having to start conversations with people. i don't know anymore, for once i wish the world would treat me the way I treat it. Although i'll end on a good note. after school i found this kids back pack stuffed in the toilet. So i pulled it out and returned it to office and told them whose bag it was. I felt good about that, sometimes i wish someone or a stranger would show me an act of kindness, but i guess our society isn't like that according to some. its all about gettin paid and laid. welcome to the world chris. kudos to anyone who actually read this no one ever does.

I never thought I'd,
I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all

Sometimes the pain you hide, burns likes a fire inside.

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 02:51:22 GMT

this is another entry in a long line of entries about me bitching. I guess it is better if i express my feelings in a forum that no one will ever read. I find it now that i felt that i had dealt with my problems and that things would be differnt. Not so, in my aragance i thought the summer could solve my problems. It doesn't work that way. Now i find myself in a corner persay. I feel better when i express myself and talk to a few people about whats bothering, me but its even worse because in the end, nothing ever gets solved. Its almost like a high and then a crash. I guess thats my personality, that i put faith and excitement into things, but the more i get burned, the more i think that talking is not a great idea. So what do i do? I know if anyone does read this, the standard responses (if any) will be hey chris i can help you lets talk it out. It doesn't work that way. I want action. The thing i want so badly i can't have. Its like life itself has robbed me of something precious. Everyone tells me theres someone out there for you chris, great i understand. But more and more, i just see people as just shallow and taking advatage my personality. Theres no winner here for me, its like i am destined to spend my life alone. I mean how long can a broken heart last? Theres no answer to that. The more i live life, the more i just realize that i want her, becasue everything is just pointless. And i guess it even enrages me more, when she's says "she's sorry" and she wishes there was something she could do. I understand there is not much she can do, but still i mean if you can't do somehting don't say you can. I can't take this much longer. This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I've ridden the top and i've scrapped the bottom. More and more i find myself becoming this monster to some degree. I act like someone i am not, i guess it's to impress people. I guess. There is deffinitly 2 differnt personalities to me. I am either very involved or i am out on the sidelines. And unforutnatly i don't have the luxuary of people being atracted to me to the point that i don't have to do anything. I have to do so much, and such i don't want to do to feel "loved" by someone. I like being on the sidelines, where i can observe things and see how people work, but no one interacts with me, and i feel like i just occupy space. on the other hand when i act all outgoing and such i feel like i am too obvious, like anyone can read what i am doing. I've been asked if i want to see a doctor. That takes this to a whole new level. Its alsmost like how can you deny yourself the one person in your life that means so much to you, that they will never get it. It has gotten to the point that i am physically sick, i can't take this. Its almost with or without her. Its either i am all friendly and flirtatious with her that makes me feel good, or i am complete block her out. So its a tough call for me, because i don't know what to do. She is so perfect, and i won't lament here but i can't help it. Its been this way since day one, i've tried so hard with so many other girls, and i just get turned off by people not caring. Its like i help these people and what not, and when i am in trouble its sorta like okay back off, don't get involved. Little things mean alot to me. I could save the world and just one thank you from her could make it all the while, On the contrary the little things will bring me down too. I can spend a whole day dwelling on some little tid bit she said to me 5 hours ago. Pathtic? you bet. able to move on? i don't know. Like i said before the more and more girls i try with, the more and more i want her, and its a viscous cycle. I can't think straight, i try and drown out my problems with music or laughter, but after the effect wears off, its still back to the 9-5 grind of you have a problem chris.

advice?

"Well I guess you'll never know, how much i need you so, It all seems funny kinda like a dream, things ain't always what they seem"